Permission to stay in the grey
Getting better at it
Happy we-made-it-through-Q1/National Poetry Month/almost-spring or whatever else you might be celebrating right now. Thanks, as always, for reading.
Permission slip
This year has been incredibly emotionally draining for me so far and it shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. I think a lot of it is growing pains as my family goes through significant changes with parenting and careers and figuring out what our near-term future will look like (let alone our long-term future). It’s an abundance of grey area and trusting the process and while I know it will most likely turn out okay and even better than okay, it’s not my favorite thing to be in the middle of.
As a recovering perfectionist who often defaults to very black-and-white thinking, I’m surprisingly a lot more okay with it now than I would have been a few years ago. Either I’ve done a lot of excellent work in therapy, or having an unmedicated birth and then going through hell right after kind of makes me feel like I can do anything. Why not both?
Still though, it’s difficult, and I continue to not be very good at letting myself feel the difficult instead of powering through. The other day I was driving by myself (a rarity) and I suddenly noticed there were tears falling from my chin onto my shirt. I didn’t even realize I was crying. That has never happened to me before, and seemed like a sign I definitely have some things I need to process.
Knowing that somehow makes me want to do it even less. Where to find the time? My child-free hours are filled with work, getting ready for work, catching up on chores, and maintaining relationships, and if I’m lucky, I get an hour or two to myself at the end of the day a few times a week. I don’t want to spend it “feeling my emotions.” I want to spend it disassociating in front of some kind of entertaining screen.
I know what my therapist would tell me, which is that it doesn’t take much time and that even meditating or exercising or journaling or doing a self-compassion practice for 10-15 minutes a few times a week will help immensely. I haven’t gotten that good at grey-area thinking or managing my time yet. I’m pretty sure I will—eventually—because I kind of feel like I can do anything. And in the meantime? Maybe just some more solo drives.
This month’s recs
I can’t remember if I already recommended this book and I’m too lazy to go check. But I loved it—definitely check it out if you’re a fellow foodie and fan of character-driven novels.
Still a Glossier girl at heart, but I’m switching to this tinted sunscreen for the spring & summer and I’m a fan so far.
Addicted to shopping for garden flags to decorate my little free library.
The two biggest hits for an 18mo lap “infant” on a flight: a new way to consume snacks and a classic I Spy.
A good read on maintaining long-distance friendships.