Permission to wait and see
A year of bad luck. Or is it?
Hi again. I’m slowly getting back into the swing of things after a difficult year that frankly has stifled my drive to create (read more below). Hoping to start sending these out regularly again starting with this one and then my annual reading report later this month.
Thanks for being here and giving me the space to experiment with my writing and creativity. I’ve been thinking a lot about everything I have to say and hoping I can continue to figure out how to put it all into words.
Permission slip
At some point in my childhood, I heard a story where the main character makes a choice between beverages—orange juice or milk—and that choice somehow determines the outcome of their whole day. The story splits into two timelines. In one, the day goes perfectly well, and in the other, the following hours are a series of mishaps and mistakes. All due to a seemingly meaningless choice about what to drink at breakfast. (Side note: if anyone knows what this story is called or where it came from, lmk.)
I don’t remember what I had for breakfast on the day I was laid off from my job for the first time this year, or even what was in my glass the morning of the second time I was laid off just a few months later. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering if it was the same thing. Whether I wore the same outfit or listened to the same song on the way to the office. Anything that could have been a sign.
In the Bluey episode “The Sign,” the sign is an actual sign—a For Sale sign in front of her house. Throughout the episode, Bluey looks for another kind of sign too, a sign that things will work out despite the big changes coming to her little life. But every time she thinks she finds one, it turns out to be something different than what she thought. “That’s bad luck,” she says. “We’ll see,” says Mum.
Being laid off at the beginning of the year. That’s bad luck. Having a three month transition period to look for a new job. That’s good luck. Getting rejected from positions I thought were the perfect fit. That’s bad luck. Accepting a dream job in the outdoor industry. That’s good luck. My husband being laid off the same day. That’s bad luck. Having him home to take care of our toddler while I travel for the new job. That’s good luck. Being laid off again from my new job two months later. That’s bad luck. Having another transition period to find another new job. That’s good luck. Worrying about money while both looking for work. That’s bad luck. Getting to spend more time with our toddler. That’s good luck. Dealing with extreme anxiety and stress. That’s bad luck. Husband accepting an offer for an exciting new job. That’s good luck. Feeling physically sick every time I open LinkedIn. That’s bad luck. Accepting an incredible offer at a creative company. That’s good luck. Forfeiting my severance. That’s bad luck. Getting it back. That’s good luck.
We’ll see.
In the end, all the bad luck and good luck comes together to create the outcome Bluey wanted: her family decides not to move. I’m so happy for her. And still I sometimes wonder if, even after the For Sale sign comes down, Bluey still worries about it. That there might be another sign someday. More bad luck on the horizon.
My breakfast choices these days look more like iced or hot tea, or whether I should make it at home or stop on the way to daycare dropoff.
Which is luckier? There’s no way to tell.
I drink it all, and I wait and see.
Things to watch, read, and do
To watch: The Sign, obviously.
To read: I had FOMO about Intermezzo by Sally Rooney for some reason, so I decided to read it despite not liking Normal People a few years ago. This one was truly breathtaking; one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve read so far.
To watch: If you haven’t binged English Teacher yet, I implore you to do it now. It’s impossible to articulate why it’s so good, but the characters and the topics are so timely while the show is legitimately very funny as well. And yes, Brian Jordan Alvarez has taken over my FYP but I watched the series before all that, okay?
To do: For SLC locals, the lantern festival at Loveland Living Planet Aquarium is actually very cool. Make sure you get tickets for nights that include the aquarium and it’s definitely worth the money.
To watch: I know I’m late to the game on Challengers but I loved it soooo much. The tension. *sweating emoji*
Currently reading: We Could Be Rats, Emily Austin’s new book that releases early next year. Having a hard time getting into it but I’m sure I will love it once I do. (Loved Interesting Facts About Space earlier this year, the first of her novels I’ve read. Stories about unhinged women are kinda my thing.)
To read: I recently loved Jenny Slate’s new memoir, Lifeform, about her journey into motherhood. She reads the audiobook which you just can’t pass up.
To make: I tried the NYT Mexican hot chocolate cookies last year and they were *chef’s kiss.* If I make them again this year, I’m going to freeze the dough and bake from frozen to see if I can get the marshmallow to stay more intact.
To watch: We’re on a big Peanuts kick around here and at only 30 minutes, they’re perfect for a toddler “movie night.” Apple TV+ has them all and even some episodes of the old tv show, which I have never seen.
My full 2024 reading report is coming soon. Anything you’ve read and loved this year that I should try to squeeze in?