Reading at recess #2: 7 things I learned in my first year as a parent
So many feeeelinnnggs
Hey there. Thanks for reading The hallpass, my monthly newsletter on grief, mental health, new motherhood, and more. If you haven’t yet, subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
My baby turns one in just two weeks and naturally, I am in my feelings about it. Of course, he’s changed and grown so much in the past twelve months, from a tiny potato to a small person who has opinions and places to be. But looking back, it’s hard not to think about the ways I’ve changed too, which are innumerable. My first year as a parent did not unfold at all the way I thought or hoped it would, and I’ve become so much more because of it.
7 things I’ve learned in my first year as a parent
Change is inevitable. Embrace it.
Before I had a baby, I was terrified it would change who I am at my core. I loved who I was and I loved my life. What if becoming a parent made me someone I didn’t recognize? Could I love her the same way I loved myself already? Parenthood is one of the most transformational human experiences—of course it has changed me. It has changed me irrevocably, in some ways that are difficult but mostly in ways that are indescribably beautiful and freeing. I became more of myself and I love her more than I ever have.I am capable of more than I could have imagined.
To think that a year ago I was about to enter the darkest, most difficult period of my life and that I could come out on the other side and be where I am now? I wouldn’t have believed that I could survive it. I made it through crippling postpartum depression, solo parenting a newborn, and the beginnings of incredible grief. I worked full time, dealt with unending child care obstacles, and shoveled my driveway all winter with a baby strapped to my chest. I also reveled in my baby’s smiles and laughs, flew alone with him to Kansas, and get to see him light up every time I enter a room. I can multitask like never before. I’m extraordinarily proud of myself for this year.There is so much to feel and I can feel it all.
I’ve written about this before, but I have never been an emotional person and often feel incapable of feeling. Parenthood has put the work I’ve done in therapy on the fast track. I never knew I could feel so much joy, sadness, worry, frustration, nostalgia, overwhelm, awe, gratitude, and love all at the same time. It’s amazing and it’s a lot. It’s everything I ever wanted.Babies are so, so fun and silly.
I always used to say I wasn’t a baby person, and that still might be kind of true, but I can honestly say I’ve never laughed so much in just regular, everyday life as I do now. That little guy is such a goofball and brings all the joy into everything we do.Taking care of a baby is also just really damn hard.
Everyone says it, but it’s difficult in ways I could not comprehend until I was doing it. Being in the throes of depression or anxiety and trying to take care of yourself is hard, and then you add sleep deprivation and a tiny human who can’t do anything for themselves and it all feels impossible. I spent hours upon hours wondering if every small decision could have lifelong repercussions for my baby. I worried about jaundice and umbilical granulomas and a split lip that wouldn’t heal for four months, all of which he had and most of which I didn’t even know were possibilities. I wanted to go to him when he was crying but I also wanted to climb out a window when I heard that cry at 3:00 AM. It’s every conflicting emotion and never enough time to recover. I don’t enjoy every moment of it, and I don’t want to be told to. It’s wonderful and it’s often very hard, and that’s okay.I don’t want to be a stay-at-home parent, but I’m still kind of sad about it.
I know that for me to be the best parent I can be, I need and want to work. I enjoy working: it’s so good for my mental health, and it allows our baby and our family to have opportunities that we otherwise wouldn’t. But it still makes me sad that we only do activities on the weekends or on vacation. It’s tough to become friends with other parents who do stay at home because our schedules don’t line up, and most working parents (me included) want to prioritize family time on Saturday and Sunday. It’s hard to get to Friday and feel like I’ve barely seen my baby all week. I want to work and I wish I had more time with him.
I’m pretty good at this. And when I’m not, I can keep learning.
I never thought I would be a “natural” mother, but it turns out parents are made, not born. Becoming a parent changed everything: my body, my brain, my values, my beliefs. In the process, I’m learning how to be the best parent I can be to my unique and remarkable son. I get to keep doing that forever. Which is pretty cool.
3 good things
We hear so much about how pregnancy and parenthood changes our bodies, but did you know it also changes our brains, in pretty considerable (and very cool) ways? Mother Brain by Chelsea Conaboy taught me. (affiliate link)
I learned about this thing called the Waldorf celebration ring and I’m going to try it out as the birthday tradition in our little family. Between this and his actual party, my Etsy orders are out of control lately.
I built a fall capsule wardrobe for the baby from Goumi Kids’ new collection and I cannot wait for it all to fit him. Bring on cooler weather.