Something about giving marriage or relationship advice makes me full body cringe. I remember when a certain Utah influencer came out with a book of marriage advice and had been married less time than me and I was floored. I never read it so maybe it was good, but even after being married now for a decade I don’t feel qualified to give advice. I recognize that finding someone you can spend any extended amount of time with is probably about 10% taking the time to meet people and go on dates and 90% luck. Then there’s the actual living part: learning whether you’ll change in compatible ways (because we all change), finding out which difficult things are going to happen to you and how you’ll both react to them, and throwing families and kids and friends into the mix. Still a lot of luck involved.
Anyway, all of that to say, this isn’t meant to be advice. These are just 10 reflections on 10 years of being married to someone I hope to spend a lot more years alongside.
There have been some hard years, but none of them were the first. I’ve never understood the whole “the first year is the hardest” thing. Maybe that’s just a symptom of getting married (too) young before I was stuck in my own ways. The hardest years have been when we’re both maxed out on stress and depression and grief and dealing with our own issues and can’t take care of each other.
Expectations for a truly equal partnership have saved me. I don’t mean they’ve saved our relationship (even though maybe they have), I mean they’ve saved me. So many women give up parts of ourselves for our relationships, thinking that we must juggle all the balls and if we drop one, our partner won’t pick it up and/or will find us unlovable. I choose to hand my partner half the balls knowing that he can handle them—and if he doesn’t, that’s when he doesn’t love me. Just kidding! Mostly. ;)
I am a firm believer in having some separate hobbies and some combined hobbies. I do shed the occasional tear that Colby is not really a reader but I also know it’s good to have some things that are just for me. We love to eat and travel together and what more can you ask for, really?
Kids really do change everything. This one might be a symptom of getting married (too) young and then waiting eight years to have a baby, but it really was the most difficult adjustment we have been through both individually and together. At first I thought it might have been a big mistake, and now it’s the best thing that we’ve chosen for our family. I love learning a whole new side to our relationship as we’ve become parents.
Music taste really doesn’t factor into compatibility, at least for us. It was one of the first things we bonded over and then almost immediately realized he is still in his emo phase and I listen exclusively to Miley Cyrus, which is maybe my emo phase now that I’m thinking about it? Whatever, it works.
Three phrases I don’t subscribe to: “I could never have done it without you” and “the best is yet to come” and “life became so much more meaningful when (x).” (1) I know I could do pretty much anything by myself. My partner doesn’t complete me, he’s the cherry on top of an already great sundae. (2)/(3) Life was meaningful before being in an LTR, before having kids, etc etc. I get that “the best is yet to come” is supposed to be something optimistic to say, but to me it’s always sounded like what we’re doing right now is just waiting for something better. Right now can be pretty good too.
We’ve spent a decade creating a familect and it’s ridiculous. Familect, or marriage language, is the language that couples (or friends, or whoever) develop between them. We have one inside joke that has survived from the time when we were dating. The rest of it is probably gaming lingo that I don’t understand, have to ask Colby to explain, and then start using incorrectly on purpose to annoy him.
Colby’s biggest accomplishment of our marriage: Convincing me to watch all nine seasons of The Office, his very favorite show.
My biggest accomplishment of our marriage: Forcing Colby to finally admit there are better shows out there than The Office. (How did she do it? Got him to watch The Good Place.)
My greatest wish for everyone I know is to be seen the way I have by my husband. Building a life together is difficult and silly and frustrating and ultimately, sacred. There are still so many days when I feel like we’re just playing house but with real problems that we don’t know how to solve. In between all the stress and chaos is someone who knows me better than anyone ever has. I never ever want to take that for granted.
Currently
Watching: Just finished Apples Never Fall and was weirdly kinda disappointed? I never read the book but the ending was not what I expected I guess.
Listening: I queued up a couple Radiolab episodes on my runs this week and found myself wondering why I ever stopped listening to them. My favorite podcast, and I just stopped like it was nothing to me! Getting back on the wagon for sure.
Eating: Still thinking about my favorite slice of pizza in NYC.