Permission to ask if it's worth it

It is and it isn't

Feb 20, 2025

There are a million things I could write about during this frankly very scary time. I’m writing about motherhood this month which is, of course, its own form of resistance. Some other actions I’m taking: signing this national parks conservation letter and donating to my local school district’s school lunch debt fund.

Permission slip

A few weeks ago, there was a TikTok going around that I couldn’t get off my mind. Essentially, the creator asks the question: is motherhood worth it? Her conclusion—in the throes of postpartum with a newborn baby—is that no, it isn’t.

I’ve always shied away from the phrase “it’s worth it,” not just about parenthood, but about anything. Though I have a hard time putting my finger on exactly why. It seems to imply that you have to go through something difficult or bad to get to the good part, and/or that you have to like the thing you got to after the bad part. Something in me rejects both of these notions. Not all good things in life have to come with hard things. And when there are hard things, I don’t have to be grateful for what comes after.

We only ever ask ourselves if something is worth it if it’s something we’re supposed to like or something we chose. A new baby, buying a house, getting a degree. We would never dream of saying that about something we didn’t choose. Of course I’ve gained so much strength and learned so much about myself after losing a member of my family, but I would never say that was worth it. I’m earning more and I’m relatively happier now than I was before being laid off twice in six months, but was all of that stress—some of which I’m still dealing with the impacts of—worth it? I’m not sure I would call it that.

But of course we want our hardships to yield net-positive results, especially if we chose them. In this age of carefully considered, intentional choice about children, perhaps it is this that leads those of us who struggle with the transition to ask this question. There is something so vulnerable and human about saying, from the darkest and most sleepless, most hopeless nights, “Is this worth it? Will all of this someday be okay and maybe even good?”

I too feel the pull toward hoping that all the hard things will someday be balanced out by good. I’ve written about it here and in countless other journal entries, ones that won’t ever see light other than the one I penned them by at midnight in the depths of my despair. Why else do we go through all of this? If not for the hope that we will eventually have some joy to show for it?

Is parenthood worth it? I think it’s the wrong question to ask. There is no simple choice—if you’re lucky enough to have it—that will make life easier. There is only stepping down the path and embracing the inevitable wonder about what would have happened had you picked another one. There is only how you think you want to experience it all and then doing your best to experience it all. There is only the darkness and light, and light, and light.

Is it worth it? Most days I wish I was listening to an audiobook instead of the eighth rendition of Wheels on the Bus. Most days I can’t wait to hear a tiny voice say “mommy!” when I walk into the room. Most days I deeply miss the person I was before. Most days I’m so grateful I know the one I am now. Most days I wonder about that other life. Most days I’m in awe of this one.

Things to watch, read, and do

To watch: The White Lotus is back, baby. I don’t keep up with much tv these days but I’m stoked.
To read: I recently finished Same As It Ever Was by Claire Lombardo and I cannot stop thinking about it. Sometimes I find myself crying in the shower thinking about quotes from the last few pages. True lit fic, but I highly recommend if that’s your genre—a gorgeous book on motherhood, marriage, and life.
To watch: If you need more brain-off television (my style of choice as of late), The Traitors is so entertaining. Still can’t decide if I’m rooting for the traitors or the faithfuls!
To make: This Trader Joe’s baking mix was the perfect Sunday morning activity with my toddler. It is not just as good as homemade, despite what that article says, but it was easy and honestly pretty good.
To read: I want to read some of the books on my TBR that have been there the longest, so I started with The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. It was such a balm, even for the events we’re experiencing now.
To do: Setting tech boundaries for myself has been the absolute best thing I have done for my mental health in 2025. I am still chronically online, just not before 9:00 AM, and the difference is incredible. Also, being out of cell service as much as possible is divine.
To make: I crafted some Valentine’s Day bookmarks for my little free library and my friends. I might need to make some for every holiday.
Currently reading: The Dream Hotel by Laila Lalami—sci fi about a future where even our dreams are monitored by the government in an attempt to prevent violent crimes. Given our current climate, it should be labeled as horror… it’s a lot but I am glued to the page.

Not writing a birthday post this year because 31 for 31 last year was already too much. But still here to acknowledge that we are now in Pisces season. :) Would love to hear what you’re reading/watching/eating/etc in the comments below!

The hallpass

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