Permission to move the goal posts
Are parents "happy"?
I told myself I was not going to write about the Chappell Roan quote. I was not going to do it. I literally just wrote about something similar last month and no one wants to hear it again. But of course I got sucked into the discourse so here I am.
Permission slip
ICYMI, Chappell Roan was on a podcast recently and said something along the lines of “All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I actually don’t know anyone who’s happy and has children.” I have sort of many initial reactions to this statement, which range from wanting to defend motherhood, to wondering why she is even commenting on this in the first place, to perhaps my most realistic reaction which is to say look around Chappell, no one is happy. We’re all scared about the future and can barely afford to live.
When I really think about it though, I have to ask myself if happiness is even the goal.
I do enjoy being a mother. It’s hard and frustrating and time consuming and I laugh more most days than I ever have before. It’s more of everything: more tears, more love, more stress, more joy. When I think about why I got into all this in the first place, it wasn’t because I thought it would make me happy. It’s because I wanted to experience it. I knew it would be more of everything, even the hard things.
Growing up with a sibling who struggled with addiction from a young age and watching my parents navigate that never gave me the idea that parenthood is the ultimate happiness. I saw my family’s heart break again and again. I was right there as my parents had to make one impossible decision after another. Even now, as a parent myself, I can only sort of grasp how difficult it all was. Ultimately, we lost my brother, which is still unimaginable to me. I often wonder if I had waited a little longer to have a baby, if I would have had one at all after going though that.
But what I also saw growing up were people who refused to give up on each other. Who recognized the joy and held on tight to it when it showed up. Who cared with abandon. Who didn’t shy away from the risk but instead ran toward it. Who showed me all that we can gain from loving each other even if we have so much to lose. And despite it all, of maybe because of it all, the conclusion I came to was that I wanted to experience the big love and the big hurt.
I don’t feel the need to defend parenthood. Sometimes it makes me happy and sometimes it doesn’t. Some days it fills me with the most joy and fulfillment I’ve ever felt and other days I don’t know how I will go on. Am I in hell? Yes, and. Am I happy? Yes, and.
Living is inherently risky and sometimes I wonder what I am thinking to literally be making more people to love with everything I have. It is so vulnerable. It is also, I believe, why we are here: to observe, to experience, to fill everyone in our short lives with our love, to embrace the risk of getting hurt with open arms. I’m never going to claim that one way of doing that is better than another, but I do have a sneaking suspicion that if we’re only aiming for happiness, we might be missing out on more of everything.
Things to read, watch, and do
To make: Cooking my way through a new cookbook lately and I kind of feel like it’s one of the best for parents of young kids.
To watch: I was so excited to watch the new season of one of my favorite shows and then discovered I missed an entire season during postpartum. More to be excited about, I guess.
To read: New Charlotte McConaghy book dropped and it was both the most distressing and my favorite of hers yet.
To read: I’m on a journey to read the majority of V.E. Schwab’s books this year and A Darker Shade of Magic is up next (when I get it from the library in five weeks at least). Buddy read with me?
To watch: I know I’m behind on this too but this new Hulu show is so good and Sterling K. Brown is as hot as ever. No spoilers, I still have a few episodes left!
To read: I loved this piece by Haley Nahman on how to build community by… not making plans. It might have completely changed the way I look at friendships in my 30s.
To make: To further prove I’m solidly in my 30s, I got an air fryer for my birthday and made this perfect après ski lunch as my first meal. It was divine.
To watch: For my fellow cozy gamers—the game we’ve been waiting literal years for is finally releasing this holiday season.
Spring keeps hinting that it’s almost here, and I cannot wait for warmer weather mostly because it means I will be able to get a toddler ready to leave the house in under ten minutes. As always, would love to hear what you’re reading/watching/making or whether you currently consider yourself “happy” or “in hell.”
I always delay reading your posts until I am mentally and emotionally prepared to feel deeply. ❤️
why do we care for a childless, miserable person’s opinion? riddle me that