Permission to run
Or whatever it might be for you 🏃♀️
Happy June and happy Pride Month! Don’t miss the poll at the bottom of this post about what type of “recess” post you’d like to see this month.
Permission slip
For the second year in a row, I’ve signed up for a trail race or technically, two trail races this year. I’ve run many races in the past, most notably three half marathons, and I don’t really remember the training taking up that much time or mental space, but then again, that was pre-kid and things are a lot different now.
I’ve written quite a bit so far about the ways my life has changed post-baby. I don’t know if this is interesting to anyone but me, but I’m so fascinated by how parents schedule their lives and divide up their responsibilities and time. (Shoutout to Lindsey Stanberry at The Purse for providing fodder for this obsession via her Division of Labor series.) Every so often I find an aspect of my life that I didn’t anticipate to be so much different now that I have a child. Race training is one of those.
Last year I was lucky to have a job where I could do a lot of my workouts during the day as part of my mental health perks. This year I don’t necessarily have that luxury, which means I have to fit them in either before or after work during the few child-free hours I have, aka before 6:00 AM or after 8:00 PM. I’m not the type of person who wakes up and leaves the house at dawn, so nighttime it is. I usually have to do my run and then come home and go almost straight to bed.
Without getting too much into the nitty gritty of the actual execution, what I’m trying to say is that choosing to train for and run these races has introduced a lot of internal conversations about what I value and how I want to spend my time. I never had to make these decisions pre-kid because I had an excess of time and complete control over it. Now, I’m asking myself questions like: Am I okay with giving up time with my husband and/or friends to prioritize running? Would I rather spend my Saturday mornings on a trail or at the farmer’s market with my family? Is exchanging the mental health benefits of chill alone time for the mental health benefits of exercise a net positive?
Of course, these options aren’t always mutually exclusive, but I am a slow runner and training takes up a lot of time for me—and clearly a lot of mental space. I wonder if I think about this so much because it’s something that only benefits me. And unlike my usual scheduled alone time or other self-care habits, it can’t easily be moved if something else comes up. I have to hold pretty strict boundaries around my training schedule and say no a lot more often. It’s good practice for me and it’s also the worst. I wish I could do everything and see everyone.
There’s always a lot of talk about “mom guilt” and while I think I have felt that at times, it’s a term that doesn’t really resonate with me most of the time. I don’t feel guilty for setting aside time for myself because I know I need it to be the best parent/partner/friend I can be. When I can’t (or don’t want to be) flexible with that time, though, I feel like somehow I am failing. It’s something I’m working on.
Ultimately, I do believe everyone should have something that’s just for them, especially parents. Even if it’s not training for a race, we should protect it like it is when we need to. I don’t think my thing will be running forever but I’m hoping it will teach me to prioritize what I need—and what I want.
This month’s recs
Stopped listening to Normal Gossip at some point for whatever reason, but a friend recommended this recent episode and it brought me so much joy.
Haven’t watched much TV as of late (see essay above) but I’m hoping I have time for this upcoming adaptation of a novel I loved.
Seeing all the food Jellycats in person everywhere in NYC had me feeling a type of way. Couldn’t ever decide which one to buy, though!